What Are Attachment Styles?
You are not “bad at relationships.” You just learned connection in a certain way.
Attachment styles are the patterns that shape how we connect, communicate, and respond to closeness. They start forming early and quietly influence how our nervous system handles intimacy, uncertainty, and emotional safety as adults. They are not your personality. They are not your fate. They are simply the way your nervous system learned to keep you safe. And once you understand your attachment style, everything about your relationship patterns starts to make sense.
The Four Attachment Styles
There are four main attachment styles. One is secure and the other three are insecure. Each one has its own way of seeking closeness, handling distance, and interpreting connection.
Secure Attachment
Connection feels safe and consistent. Needs are met more predictably. People with a secure attachment style trust that they are lovable and that others are reliable. They can be close without losing themselves and independent without feeling distant.
Anxious Attachment
Connection feels uncertain unless it is constant. Reassurance becomes the way to feel calm. People with an anxious attachment style tend to fear being abandoned or rejected. They often give more in relationships and can struggle to settle emotionally without steady connection.
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
Closeness can feel overwhelming, and independence often feels safer than intimacy. People with a dismissive avoidant attachment style typically value self-sufficiency. They may equate needing someone with losing freedom, which makes vulnerability feel uncomfortable or foreign.
Fearful Avoidant Attachment
Connection is both deeply desired and deeply feared. Wanting closeness and fearing closeness often happen at the same time. People with a fearful avoidant style (sometimes called disorganized) crave connection but expect it to hurt, which creates a push pull dynamic internally.
Why This Matters
Understanding your attachment style gives you language for what you feel, clarity for why you react the way you do, and awareness for the choices in front of you. Once you understand your patterns, you can create connection that finally feels calm, steady, and real.
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